do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
