Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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