Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
