Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
