well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
