He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
