Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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