Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
