There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
