if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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