I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
