how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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