Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You're a waste of cheezeits
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
