@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
