i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
They took my balls.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
