and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the condom got lost in my hair
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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