fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
