I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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