I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
either way he was missing a nipple.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
