even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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