my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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