Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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