The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
