Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
