I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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