I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if only i could text you this smell
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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