Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
