Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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