Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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