YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
