so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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