Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
