Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
