Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
