What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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