I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize