Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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