You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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