I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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