A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
