I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
