True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
