A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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