Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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