Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
