Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
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Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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