I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
