it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
