As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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