Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
