I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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