They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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