apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
