Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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