What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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