My hand turned me down
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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