i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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