Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
