if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
